HOW TO PREMATURELY INSTIGATE BABY FEVER
This blog post has been republished and updated from 2016.
Enjoy todays post about my ongoing battle with baby fever, yep you heard me right.
Should I tell him? I wonder as I close my laptop. I’ve been studying facebook for the last half hour, what an unfortunate way to spend my Sunday evening. Should I warn him? I wonder now. I evaluate Eric to determine what his reaction will be. I probably shouldn’t.
“Eric…” I begin in a tone that leaves something to be weary, “I have babyyyy fever,” I whine without a filter.
“I think Harvey needs to go outside!” Eric jumps off the couch in a split second without any hesitation. Way to avoid the topic, bravo sir, really smooth. He doesn’t even put on a jacket before he begins walking out the door. Wait, he doesn’t even have the dog with him!
“But Errrriicccc, waiittttt, help meeeee.. babiessss…” I continue to whine while he’s already gone out the door.
Humfffff I open back up my laptop and stumble onto a buzzfeed quiz, “Are you ready to be a mom?”.
Baby fever. I think it hits many women (and maybe men- but definitely not mine) at some point in their lives. Unfortunately, for many of us, baby fever comes a bit prematurely. Three years ago, I wasn’t ready for a baby, but boy was my mind telling me differently. Oh, all the things that trick your mind to prematurely jolt all the maternal instincts and hormones and whatever other magic that goes on inside your baby lovin’ mind.
What is that you say? You’re NOT having those feelings? No? Well, let me help you. I am going to share with you my insider tips on how to activate your premature baby fever. Don’t worry- I got your back!
Ways to Prematurely Give Promise Yourself Baby-Fever:
Tip 1: Have a sibling get pregnant.
Why it works: The whole family will be all ramped up about the new baby. The topic of every meal will be your sister’s adorable baby bump. Gah, but seriously, she really is glowing! You will inevitably want that same adorable glow and crave to be the topic of every dinner as well. Every time you talk to your mom she will inquire when you will have a baby too. When will you have a baby? You wonder to yourself.
Expert tip: Have your sibling become the first one in the family to have a baby.
Tip 2: If that doesn’t do, then throw a momma-to-be a baby shower!
Why it works: All that shopping for ADORABLE tiny clothing, need I say more? One minute you will be pinteresting adorable baby shower ideas and the next thing you know you’re pinning baby’s first birthday ideas. Wait till you watch the momma on her shower day opening all those presents.. so many goodies! Who knew there where so many genius baby inventions out there these days.
Expert tip: Combine tip number one and two and throw your sibling a baby shower! All the feels!
Tip 3: This one is pretty advance so stay with me- Nanny for a family for a few years. Not just any family, one with insanely well behaved children and one that treats you like part of the family and spoils you rotten. THEN right as you grow attached to the children and love them dearly.. MOVE. Move so far away that you no longer get to see the adorable heart throbbing children every day.
Why it works: Nannying is a great gig. At first you’re just getting paid to play pretend mom for a couple hours a week. A few weeks in and you practically are momming during those hours, yet you get to return them at the end of the day. It’s like having children only you don’t actually have to pay for anything. This is the perfect trick for you to ignore any and all fiscal responsibility for children. On top of that, you’re actually getting PAID for this gig. And the best (or worst) part, moving far away. As if loving the little suckers wasn’t enough, when you leave behind those cuties you suddenly forget any and all diaper changes, crying fits, awkward of potty training fails and the fear of finding odd crusty food particles around your car. All you can remember now is the sound of their laughter and the “I love you miss Lindsay’s” you heard on the reg. You want it! Infact, YOU NEED IT!
Tip 4: Browse through baby gap.
Why it works: Awh the Gap. It’s where you go to get all your favorite closet staples, and if you are lucky the baby section is connected right next door. All those newborn onsies are practically the size of your palm. And that skirt! OMG it’s the mini version of the very one in your own closet! All the hair bows in the girl section and that little baby tie in the boys section! A TIE ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Like a baby has a need for formal attire. You will laugh out loud at the thought of a baby all dressed up like a miniature man going to work. It’s like those tiny hamster picnic videos on the Internet, it’s just so tiny and cute you can’t look away.
Expert tip: Purchase a few of your favorite outfits to save for later. Go ahead, you know you can’t resist. Afterall, baby overalls will never go out of style.
Tip 5: Make your spouse hold a baby and watch the magic happen.
Why it works: They will kick and scream and tell you NOOOO, and the second that baby hit their arms they will be a deer in the headlights. To be honest he looks like they are shitting their pants to everyone in the room. That is, to everyone except for you. All you see is your future. It’s literally like Christmas came early. Even better; catch your spouse playing/ reading/ laughing with children. It will make all your dreams come true- well almost, except for the one where they are your own children.
Tip 6: Live somewhere where everyone has a child, literally, everyone.
Why it works: You wake up, you roll out of bed and you take your dog out for his morning walk. You have sunglasses hiding your lack of makeup and you threw on the clothes that you found laying on the floor. And there she is, super mom! She is pushing her two freakishly gorgeous children in a double wide. The kids must be twins. The boy has curly hair and glasses while the girl has pig tales and the most piercing eyes. And the mom! W.T.F. THE MOM! She is head to toe in lululemon and jogging. You think, I could do that, I could be that in shape after birthing twins, yeah…
Tip 7: Take photos of obscenely adorable children and babies for a living.
Why it works: Okay, so taking portraits of babies isn’t really something that happens over night. You’re going to need to commit a little time for this one! BUT, you guys, that moment when you are watching a family snuggle up with their new baby, oh it will DEF do the baby fever trick you where lacking. You bundle up these precious little squishy babies and be the mastermind behind making pieces of art for your clients. Some days I’m crawling on the ground, some days I’m soothing a fussy one, some days I’m watching children giggle at their parents uncontrollably. And then, at the end of the day, you go home and spend a few hours flip through the results and ooo and aww over every last one of them!
Tip 8: Watch your BEST FRIENDS become parents.
Why it works: Do I even need to explain this one? I have shared photo albums on my phone so that my friends can keep me current with their daily happenings. I watch in complete amazement seeing my best friends become parents! And, would they even be your best friend if they didn’t text you daily asking when you’re going to have one of your own? If you want to activate that baby-fever you’re definitely going to need this step.
And that is it my friends. Those are my best recommendations for fulfilling all your womb craving needs. Enjoy and happy baby hunting! Wait… what?